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Earth No Longer a Planet

It's been many months since Pluto was downgraded from an official planet to a dwarf planet, but the controversial decision apparently was just the beginning. Yesterday, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) released a new list of astronomical changes that will likely be even more controversial than the Pluto decision.

The list of changes include Saturn being downgraded to a "weird thing with rings", Uranus being renamed to Urpenis, and Earth being downgraded to debris.

Earth being downgraded to debris is apparently due to the fact that the makeup of Earth's atmosphere and mass is now largely human waste and other such garbage. According to IAU's complex algorithms, the increase of waste now forces them to designate Earth as merely debris. Many religious spokespersons have spoken out against the change as it largely undermines the foundations most religions are based on.

President Bush has made a statement urging the IAU to come up with new algorithms that will allow Earth to remain a planet and has said he'll use "any means necessary" to make sure it happens. He's also suggested that the new definition could perhaps be due to a connection between the IAU and al-Qaeda.

[tags]Pluto, IAU, International Astronomical Union[/tags]

Atkins Diet Side Effects Revealed

The Atkins diet phenomenon appears to be slowing as people start taking up new fad diets such as the South Beach Diet. However, the damage may have already been done as scientists have recently discovered some previously unknown side effects for those that have been on the Atkins diet for extended amounts of time. There have always been skeptics of the diet, claiming that it's an unnatural way to lose weight, but there hasn't been any hard evidence, until now.

Last week scientists made a startling announcement - that they've discovered an amazing side effect of the Atkins diet that causes mutations in people. These mutations result in strange changes in the person affected, changes that have different effects for different people. Many have compared these effects to those found in movies and comic books, claiming that these side effects are gifts that enable the people to do extraordinary things.

So far there have been reports of people with super speed, enhanced vision, increased strength, and even a few with the ability to control the elements. There's also a report of one person being able to teleport herself a few feet away, a distance that increases daily. Scientists explain that these "powers" are the result of the body trying to compensate for the lack of carbohydrates and that so far, the effects don't appear harmful.

The government is currently asking all people to stop their diets until scientists can provide a better analysis of possible future consequences. They are also asking all those that have been on the Atkins diet to proceed to one of seventeen different Atkins Recovery Clinics that have been setup across the country. Supposedly these clinics are meant to help cure those with any side effects, though many are protesting the clinics, pointing out the use of military force in certain areas.

The government has yet to respond to any inquiries about these clinics.

[tags]Atkins diet, diet side effects[/tags]

Scientists Say There Is No Gravity

Last week, scientists at Almost Science Community College discovered that there is no such thing as gravity. Researchers had been working on a theorum related to gravity when they realized that gravity itself doesn't actually exist.

Their findings have come as an enormous shock to the scientific world, as gravity had been thought real for quite some time. The researchers at the college say that the previous explanation for the phenomenon of "sticking" to the planet was much closer to the truth than the current belief of Sir Isaac Newton's Universal Law of Gravitation.

The previous belief was that God just made it that way, which researchers have discovered isn't far from the truth. Since they don't want to bring religious beliefs into the equation, they have all agreed to temporarily call the phenomenon magic until they can work out the exact science.

The scientists are assuring everybody that there is no need to panic and that everybody should continue to remain glued to the planet with no troubles.

[tags]gravity, Sir Isaac Newton, Universal Law of Gravitation[/tags]

Scientists Create New Color

Ealier today some scientists announced that they have created a new color. They have named the color Trougliue but have yet to agree on a pronunciation.

They say the color is not a shade of an existing color, such as "reddish orange" or "popcorn yellow" but in fact a brand new color that looks unlike any other.

Unfortunately, since all computers built to date have video cards that can only support the previously known colors, Trougliue (top left) appears grey on your monitor.